My first experience with CranioSacral Therapy was in December 2018 with Jessica Gutierrez at her former practice in Auburn, Calfornia. When I finally booked an appointment the pain that had taken root in my neck and shoulders was impeding my ability to think clearly or make rational decisions. I have a high tolerance for pain and don’t usually afford myself luxuries like massage but I had reached a breaking point. I didn’t realize the specialized technique would impact more than just my physical body.
After talking with Jessica about the wide range of stressors I’d encountered over the previous year she decided the light touch of CranioSacral Therapy would be a good place to start unlocking some of the emotion that had been accumulating. She left me to undress and I waded carefully into warm white sheets.
Starting at my feet, cold as always but being coaxed by the heated table, Jessica held my heels lightly. I felt a tingling sensation flowing up through my legs and my brain starting to light up. An image appeared in my mind’s eye. It was me downstairs with Peter one of the times I tried to help him through an anxiety attack.
The scene played and I saw him lying on the floor. I was beside him with my hand on his chest, trying to neutralize the frantic energy with the peace I have access to when I meditate. I remembered how fast my breathing had become and how the tears had overwhelmed my eyes. The message I heard with this series of pictures was, “it’s not yours – not yours to hold, not yours to carry.” I considered this, decided it felt better and tried to infiltrate the memory. “Not mine to hold” I repeated to myself.
After a few minutes at my feet Jessica asked me to scan my body and see if anything stood out. I had an answer ready because a spot above my right temple had started to glow with blue light.
She went directly there, placing her hands in various spots on my head. With this touch I felt a small spasm in my left thigh, nothing painful, but a spark, a twitch. When she placed her hands at the base of my neck my head began to move just barely up and down in a rhythmic pattern. I felt anxiety rising in my chest from my diaphragm up toward my throat. Jessica asked what I was feeling and I told her fear. My torso began to move slightly from side to side. I noticed my breathing had become very shallow so I tried to deepen it. The movement in my torso lasted a few minutes. I mentioned the picture I had seen at the beginning of the session so Jessica suggested a visualization to assist in letting go.
She asked if she could use some frankincense and coconut oil to aid the process. I love frankincense so I agreed with some excitement. While she worked gently on my neck and upper back she told me to imagine a column of light coming down from the heavens and pouring into my chest. Once it filled my body the column of light went down the two stories underneath my horizontal body all the way to Earth. With this column of light I could release all the emotion I had been storing and send it into the ground to be absorbed and transformed. I saw the column of light and it created a shelf underneath me, almost as if I was suspended on it instead of the massage table. Jessica asked me what color it was and I said it was a bright white-ish yellow.
As I was held on this shelf of light I started to feel safe, supported. The pulsing in my torso began to subside as I watched black tiles fall away from my body. First, from my right lower back where I’d been feeling some pain, then from my upper back and shoulders. Next black tiles fell away from my brain, fingertips and feet. They were absorbed by the light and my body started to warm from the inside. Finally I saw black metal doors open above my heart and the light from inside met the column I had imagined. The fear was gone and I felt my lips loosen into a smile. Now the overwhelming feeling was relief.
Jessica gave me a tip about placing hands on people that she said she’d learned from a client. “Imagine you have holes in your elbows and let the energy right out.” “Wait, I replied, you can do that? It doesn’t have to go through your whole body? That’s great!” I laughed because it felt like I was getting any other how-to tip from a teacher.
Next she moved down to my sacrum, placing her hands underneath the blanket and above it, not touching my skin directly but applying light pressure. Now I felt the sorrow. At the beginning I had been reminded of it but hadn’t felt it directly. At my sacrum the grief started to well up but I let the tears come and didn’t even try to wipe them away. This grief was soft. It was in the past. My chest didn’t burn or do flips like it does sometimes when I’m very sad. Instead the emotion connected me with the smiling faces of my favorite people. I saw them laughing and carrying on. I also felt their lows and replayed some of the dark times they have seen but the overwhelming images were happy faces, lit up with a sense of spirit. The inextricable mix seemed to be weighted toward joy. “You have already built your village,” was the thought that landed on top.
Jessica moved her hands up toward my second chakra and the fun continued. I saw all the same friends with me on adventures. We were singing, laughing, driving, swimming, cooking together, and feasting. Our eyes were wide open in search of the next beautiful place. It was like a parade of good times. She continued moving up my spine and I started to feel a sense of responsibility. The mood was a bit more serious, not grave but quieter, more orderly. I saw my friends and I making decisions with care, traveling and celebrating our success by celebrating each other.
When she reached the back of my heart she said something like “Oh, you have a wounded heart.” “Yes, I’m sure.” I replied, somewhat surprised she had noticed. Broken hearts have been a long-term theme in my life and I’ve become so accustomed to wanting and waiting that I hardly even question the feeling anymore. I told her my heart had been broken since I was little and she reminded me that we often create relationships as adults in an effort to heal the wounds from childhood. She said, “It’s almost like the Universe keeps the blinders on and we don’t see the patterns because we truly want to heal. Once we see the pattern though, we can’t go back.” This was such a poignant message. In the preceding couple of days I had recognized patterns that have persisted for decades that I had finally been willing, or maybe able, to see clearly.
As I mentally ran through faces I thought, “they did love me I suppose, with the capacity they had, in the ways they could, it just wasn’t enough.” I felt sort of bad for having that thought, like it needed to be enough because it was all that was available but then Jessica reminded me that it’s okay to admit when your needs have not been met. “Maybe they loved you but your needs were not met and the truth of that lack is okay.” Again, I felt relieved. It wasn’t enough and there was active harm done but instead of feeling angry or sad as I have in the past I simply felt okay with it. I felt that I could love myself and meet my own needs.
I think there was one more point along my spine because I remember seeing an image of a sprout. A little green plant growing in the dirt. That reminded me of a picture I had just seen of my son watering plants out at the farm we used to live on. These particular plants – wildflowers – never quite grew as we thought they would. Whether it was overwatering, too much sunlight or the wrong kind of soil, the sprouts never grew more than a few inches. I suppose that image could’ve related to my needs not being met – sometimes, for whatever reason, conditions are simply not conducive to growth.
Next Jessica moved back up to my skull. She placed one of her hands, slowly and gently, on my forehead. Her fingers felt incredibly soft and warm. Suddenly I had the feeling of being a baby. I felt my mom holding me, her attention shining on me, the warmth of her body and the connection I had felt to it. I felt my Dad holding me too. He was marveling at this little thing. I felt the warmth of his skin, his familiar smell, saw the freckles on his shoulders. I saw the two of them surrounded by spirit in the form of angels, keen to watch how this new life would unfold. I saw my future from that vantage point and all the things I would experience through childhood – all the pain and confusion, all the misunderstanding and grief. And the strangest part was, I didn’t feel sorry for myself or what was to come. I felt ready. I felt that I was safe in my body, that I knew what I had gotten myself into and that I was ready for it. I felt like a very strong baby! Ha!
The physical experience was one of deep relaxation. I still felt the physical sensation of the touch on my head and forehead, I knew I was still in the massage room but my body was so deeply relaxed that the visions flowed easily and I felt transported into these scenes.
I went back even further. I was in the womb and heard the sound of my own heart. Boom, boom, boom – it was loud and comforting. “I have a heart,” I thought and it was exhilarating. In general I wonder all the time about how I came to be, how spirit is linked with matter, how our bodies are formed and from this vantage point it felt like becoming human was truly an amazing experience, one chosen deliberately. “I have a heart – I can hear it – I – I’m an I.”
Next I saw my adult body, in the darkness of space, stretched out on a big white sheet. I slept as the sheet descended and landed on the big black orb that is my home out there. I usually sit on the orb (it’s like a waterbed) or I jump or I dance or I draw earth scenes. When things are out of control it spins and I try to hold onto it. This time – and this has never happened before – I went through the outer membrane INTO the black orb. It was spacious but not vast. It was cozy, protected and mine. I landed softly in some kind of wool hammock that floated in the middle of the orb. I sort of had a body but I seemed to be more fluid than discreet. There were beautiful shining lights dotting the inside but the scene was mostly black. I slept in the hammock a while and then saw the scene change. I had a big plush couch and a fireplace. I was reading, feeling very stable and secure. I wasn’t needed for anything but exactly what I was doing. I stayed in this blissful relaxation and then saw flashes of light emanating from my place of peace out into the Universe, creating whatever I thought about.
I saw drums and bonfires, dancing and chanting. I saw the stars and the islands. I saw the travelers who had come before me, the kings and queens, the rulers and the warriors. I saw the Earth from above and wanted to be there again. I saw a line drawing of my little family in black and white with patterns drawn on our bodies, echoes of laughter and plants growing up around us. This was really a beautiful scene even though it was just outlines. It felt like I had made myself a map.
I didn’t speak at all during this part. I felt free to absorb and experience. I felt the peace I had not touched since I was very ill. And this time I didn’t just touch it, I was it.
At the end of our session Jessica went once more to my feet and I felt my cheeks rise into a smile. She thanked me and said I could rest until I was ready to get up. I drank in a little more bliss before I contracted my stomach muscles to sit up. I wasn’t totally sure they would work, but they did, they always do. I got dressed. I felt fluid. I gave my thanks and relayed a few of the visions I had seen.
As I walked down the steps and laced my shoes I thought about how our bodies are these continuous living metaphors. When we connect with them, when we care for them, they can introduce us to the wisdom we seek.
Outside back in the world, I thanked the ground for being solid and the afternoon for arriving on time. I started the process of integrating.
Jessica had told me that while holding my head she had been working on the membranes that hold my brain. I had to wonder how the visions I’d seen overlapped so well with the physical stimuli. My metaphorical self was satisfied with the connection alone but my concrete self wanted to know more.
So, I asked the internet: What is CranioSacral Therapy?